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Emerging from survival mode

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I don’t know if it is the change in the seasons – the brightening mornings where it is now almost light when I walk to the station or the evenings being lighter and it not being dark when I leave the office or even just that it is no longer freezing cold and I don’t have to wrap myself up in layers upon layers to feel even partly warm – or if it is just that time has started to heal things but suddenly I feel as if I am starting to emerge into a brighter world, starting to emerge from the survival mode that we’ve been living in

I think part of this is driven by having finally received a full apology and a retraction of the lies told about us last year – it has taken a year to get to this place, a year of fighting to clear our names and to prove that there were lies told about us and that the behaviour of the individuals involved was totally inappropriate.  I’ll write more on about it later but it feels good to have closed this horrid process off and to be able to move forward

Another part of it has been driven by reading a fascinating article about ‘super survivors’ – the idea being that people who come back from horrific trauma and do even better than before the trauma have a thread of commonality in that each has reached a full acceptance of what their ‘now’ looks like.  This has been a lightbulb moment for me – yes I would love to change everything that is happening to and will happen to Littlest but the reality is that there is nothing I can do.  I need to accept our ‘now’, yes I can mourn that this ‘now’ is not the one we had hoped for but since there is no magic wand I can wave to make it better I need to get on with making this ‘now’ the best one I can

I’m not going to pretend acceptance is going to be easy – last week proved that this is still a work in progress, Littlest had some routine blood tests which came back showing he’s quite anaemic – we had a rush to get more detailed tests done and I spent 48 hours trying to work out if we had been feeding him the wrong food or if this was a possible flag that something is going wrong inside, neither of which was a great place to be.  As it is we still don’t know but he’s on supplements and we’ll go back for more tests in a month

I have the urge to start making lists, to start making plans, to start doing rather than reacting – admittedly all of this is rather constrained by a lack of time but for the first time in a very long time at least I have the urge to look forward

It feels strange that I am suddenly starting to think about the future hopefully – I don’t have any of the answers yet but I am at least slowly starting to work on where to look for them, I feel as if I have taken the first step on a road to things being better, to getting out the rut where I’ve been so miserable and to perhaps even move to a place where I can be happy

There is a big part of me that is scared to even start to hope, that has been so battered down by life that it doesn’t want to hope in case those hopes are dashed again – I’m not sure how to reassure myself that I can dare to dream, it seems like such a simple thing until you have to force yourself to try and do it

The post Emerging from survival mode appeared first on Muddling Along Blog.


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